Lothian & Borders Police - Complaints / Contacting the Edinburgh Polis

[OnOff]

True email sent to the Police, lengthy but absolutely brilliant.

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith

police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea

and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass

this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal,

carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments

(I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off

Commercial Street in Leith . Six of them seem happy enough to play a game

which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of

a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout

the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am

unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through

several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so

thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw

and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear

that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to

the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I

would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them

the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the

street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless

assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,

why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)

when

there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car

before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will ofcourse serve

no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these

throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head

start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

?????????

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the

problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have

encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend

an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact

details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???

?????????????

Community Beat Officer

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for

Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details

to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own

community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your

covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I

have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and

infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the

moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?

It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking

place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due

care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain

(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they

might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch

behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as

is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel

free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to

answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards

???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you

don't work for the cleansing department.

 

[ProDave]

There was another one.

I can't find it quoted, but it goes something like this.

Someone phones the police to report a burglary in progress. The police say they don't have anyone free but will get someone there as soon as they can.

So the person hangs up. Then calls again to say I have just shot someone.

Within 5 minutes the place is surrounded by armed police.

When they enter they say "I thought you said you shot someone"

The reply was "I thought you said didn't have any officers available"

 

[m4tty]

Bet he got arrested for wasting police time

 

[betty swollocks]

Personal favourite

A man was pulled over for speeding down the motorway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have permission to drive the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a log book in the glove box when I put the gun back." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the boot." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and insurance. The man said," Yes officer i have it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the boot because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the boot, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the boot." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet the bar steward said I was speeding too"

 

[OnOff]

Just love the new radio ads down here about 999 being reserved for "emergencies". If your van gets broken into you now dial "101". This from the Met's site:

You can call 101 to report a crime that has already happened, seek crime prevention advice or make us aware of any policing issues in your local area.

For example:

if your car, bicycle or mobile phone have been stolen

if your garden shed has been broken into

if your property has been damaged

if you want to report a minor traffic collision, or

if you want to provide the police with information about a crime in your area.

Using 101 for situations, that do not require an immediate police response (such as those outlined above) helps keep 999 available for when there is an emergency.

Call 999 in an emergency is when a crime is happening, someone suspected of a crime is nearby, or if someone is injured, being threatened or in danger.

No wonder this country is in trouble! I remember when a crime was a crime. Now we have the above designated as "low level" crime etc. So the scumbags can break into your shed / van and nick your tools (that you use to work and pay taxes) and no doubt as it's a low level crime the punishment will be accordingly low level! Rant over.

 

[Ali]

I'm sure that the 999 number has always been for reporting crimes in progress. We used to have to call the local police station for reporting something that has already happened. I think the new 101 number is just because no one has a manned local police station any more.